


takes a bitch to know a bitch

by Anonymous



Series: god said "fuck klaus lives!" [1]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Klaus and God bickering, Playing Uno, that's it that's the story, uh yeah here ya go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-01-07 06:53:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18405407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: "Who the hell was that?""That, my dears, was God."In which, his family is used to seeing Klaus talk to empty air but weren't prepared for the air to talk back.(now with a new chapter bc i want more god & klaus interaction)





	1. breaking up like cellphones

Everyone was in the parlor room when Klaus came in with his arms crossed and pouting.

Allison shot him a questioning glance that he waved off as he splayed out on an empty couch.

"I'm fighting with a child," He'd said shrugged.

"Did you really just call me a child?" A foreign voice snapped.

Everyone but Klaus jumped and Diego looked around the room with a knife in hand but finding no one else with them.

Klaus didn't seem to notice their reaction and looked up at the ceiling, "Yes, because you're a child."

"I am eons older than you." Even from Vanya's place of shock she could practically hear the person rolling their eyes.

He pointed at the chandelier above him, "So why didn't you look like the bag of bones you really are when you spoke to me?"

"Well would you wear your favorite outfit to a meeting with someone you can't stand?"

Klaus shot up, his face screwed up in a sarcastic despair, "Wah, wah. You don't like me how will my heart ever go on? Five is, no offence bud, a literal assassin. Compared to him, I'm practically a saint!"

A laugh was heard, "A saint? Are we telling lies now?"

"Oh screw you and your favoritism." Their brother made a sour face at the ceiling as he stuck his tongue out at the air above him.

" _Screw you and your favoritism,_ " The voice mocked in what sounded exactly like Klaus' voice.

"Geez, the mouth on that one," He muttered before looking back to his siblings, now realizing their shaken expressions, "What's wrong?"

"Who the hell was that?" Luther, Five and Diego asked in unison.

"Wait, you heard all that?" He asked and they nodded before Diego repeated the question.

If Klaus wasn't so confused at that, he would've snorted at their choice on words.

"That, my dears, was God."

 


	2. no you can't read my poker face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shrugging, he got up to grab them and looked up at the ceiling, "Wanna play Uno?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have a chapter i wrote in like 20 mins

Klaus sat up from his bed with a sigh, looking at the clock on his bedside—4:28 AM. _Nightmares aren't fun._

 

He looked around the room and came across a pack of Uno cards perched on the dresser. Shrugging, he got up to grab them and looked up at the ceiling, "Wanna play Uno?"

 

From the monochrome place some would call heaven, a girl rolled her eyes, "Looking at the ceiling makes you look dumb. What's Uno?"

 

He snorted at her first sentence but remained staring at the ceiling, "It's a card game about colors and numbers."

 

God considered before sighing and muttering an answer, "I'll be in the kitchen."

 

Klaus grinned and made his way to the kitchen where the girl sat at the table, silently taking a seat across from her. He took out the contents of the box and slid the directions to her, "Read that!"

 

She took a single look at the paper, glancing at the front and back, before returning it, "I'm ready."

 

* * *

 

And that was how the rest of the Hargreeves siblings woke up to yelling and laughter. They made their way down, only to see Klaus laughing at a teenage girl as she glared at him.

 

"You cheated, you asshole!"

 

Klaus put his hands up in a mocking surrender, "How could I cheat literal _God_? I beat you fair and square."

 

She took the deck from the table and shuffled it twice before dealing. Leaning back in the chair she narrowed her eyes, "Begin."

 

"Klaus what's this?" Luther asked from where he stood.

 

The brother in question didn't look up from his cards, "We've been playing Uno for four hours."

 

Diego piped up, "And we being you and…?"

 

"God, I guess. That's what the majority of this population calls me. Hi," The teen gave a weak wave as she put down a wild card, "The color is green."

 

The Séance put down a green reverse card, then a skip, then a draw two which had the girl cursing as she picked up two cards from the deck.

 

The family watched as Klaus beat God at Uno, God groaned and put her forehead on the table with a small _thump_ , "I hate this game."

 

"What the fuck even is our family anymore," Ben whispered and the other five Hargreeves nodded in agreement.


End file.
